There are very few major things that I would change about my life. Certainly not my relationship; I love him quite a lot :) I would definitely like to be closer to a lot of my other friends, though. It's just so hard to balance school, band, piano, my home life, my boyfriend, AND my friends. It seems like I'm constantly doing homework, and if I'm not I'm helping out at home or doing piano stuff...so I pretty much get to spend one day a week with him (outside of school), and the rest are occupied by school work and family. It's very hard to find time for anything else, and also nearly impossible to have people over, but I for sure want to work at being closer to a lot of my girls :)

If I could change anything about school, I would make it possible to drop out and still get a good job. Or to not do homework and have no consequences for it. I am SO SICK of school; the assignments and other crap seriously never end, and I am sooo tired. I want it to be over...like now. Ugh.

I would move York closer to home. And Queens closer to York, if that's where he goes. I want to live on my own, and would right now if it were possible, but I will hate being far away because I do love my family and the three little ones will be so young. It will be hard to leave. I also wish that he and I were going to school closer together; three hours is way too far for my liking. It's hard enough to get together when we live just across town...and three hours is a whole lot farther. It depresses me to think of it.

As for the job situation, the change I would make...would be to get one. Damn this recession to hell; I need money and can't find a job ANYWHERE. It's very frustrating, especially since I can't always turn to my parents for money when I need it.

Overall, though, I am quite happy :) The only thing that really gets me worked up is school. It needs to go die.

I love you :) I wish we could spend every minute of every day together. I wish we lived closer together; it would make things a lot easier. But that's not going to happen anytime soon, so I'll live with it. I wish we could go back to that week in Toronto where we could be together all the time and go around the city, just us, and do whatever the hell we wanted, then go back home and just relax together and watch movies. It was one of the best weeks ever and I wish it hadn't ended. Now there's so much stress and so many things to be done that it's hard to even get together, let alone spend that much time together. But I love every second that I'm with you, and would not take a single one back :)

Lylah ..

I'm getting really tired of people being left out. We are all a group. We may not all be close to each other, but we're still a group. If people are going to have parties, everyone should be included.

I recognize that this halloween birthday party thing is for you because it's your birthday...but if you're going to have your party ON Halloween, it is probably unwise to leave people out. Have it on a different day or make sure that you include everyone, so that one or two people out of a group aren't stuck without their friends on Halloween. I understand that there may have been reasons, but I still don't think it's fair at all to invite an entire group of people minus a few.

I already knew that these kinds of situations sucked a lot, and now it's happening to me too and it ticks me off. If you're going to invite everyone to do something at your house, and know that I won't be invited because it would be awkward, you should maybe think twice. Your friends are my friends and I have the right to be involved with them. If you want to get together you should give other people a chance to do it at their house so that everyone has a chance to go. We may not be on the best of terms but I don't really feel that I deserve to be left out.

But thank you to my loyal best friend who has stuck up for me and will be spending this wonderful evening with me, I'm glad to spend the time with you and it's nice to not be left alone! We'll make this night a gooood one <4

I am also getting very tired of school. It needs to blow me. Something is wrong when I have been doing nothing but homework after school for 3 weeks. I'm SO fucking tired and want to sleep and not have to be stressed out for once. Handing back assignments is ridiculous; I don't have time to redo two major assignments. Like honestly. And I really don't think we need one EVERY FUCKING WEEK in just one class; we have other demanding classes too. Go die in a hole. I hate school.

I also hate that the music trip was f'd up. I'm actually very pissed off about this. For my last year in the music society I was looking forward to going out east and having an amazing trip. Montreal will probably be nice, but I don't want to go to Ottawa. I've been there way too many times. And my heart is so set on Halifax. But whatever, figures that shit like this would happen.

I'm tired of people complaining about school not being cancelled for swine flu. I'm sick of school but I don't want it to be cancelled because that just means catching up on a shitload of work later. Stop whining and be grateful that we get an education.

I like learning about issues going on in the world but all of this information seriously depresses me. Our world is so corrupt and unfair and polluted and evil. If 2012 were to come true I really would not be surprised. Humans fail. There are SO many problems and most if not all of them are almost impossible to fix.

In the words of Mr. Macdonald: If we don't start loving each other, it's over.

All the assholes out there that are stealing billions from people and treating people like they're worthless and stripping them of their rights and putting chemicals that will kill us into our products and caring about nothing other than money need to grow up and see the shit they're doing and where it's going to lead us. What goes around comes around; it's called karma.

Love. It's essential. We need it to survive. It should be counted as a basic need, up there with food water shelter, all that good stuff.

So...where the hell has it gone?

Lylah ..

Sooo...York is looking pretty promising. It's in Toronto, near my aunt and dad and brother, only 3 hours from Kingston...

The Glendon campus at first didn't appeal to me, but now that I know more about it, I'm thinking I'll probably end up there. Not only is it bilingual, but also has an average class size of about 20. The idea of a huuuuge classroom never ever appealed to me. And, it's only 20 minutes away from downtown Toronto and really close to my dad. And from what I've been able to see, the campus is beautiful and very green. I like it.

The scholarships are amazing. If I can pull a 95 average (wish me luck), that's $12 000 right there. And Lord knows I need the money. Even if I only make a 90-94.9%, it's still $8000 as opposed to the $2000 Queens offers.

Major in psych, minor in spanish. Eventually get my PhD in Psychology. I think I've got most of it figured out, and I'm glad to have finally decided. After years of not knowing, I was afraid I'd never figure my life out.

To those of you struggling and still deciding, don't worry. Sometimes all it takes is a simple idea and everything suddenly seems so clear. And if nothing is clear yet, it will all work out in time. It's tough, deciding our entire lives at 17 years old. Tough, but not impossible (though it may seem to be). I know it seems easy for me to say, but you'll find your path sooner or later :)

But even though it seems like I have it all figured out, I'm terrified. I'm terrified to leave my mom and the kids, my friends. Home. I know it has to happen, but I'll admit that I'm scared.

My best friend is probably going to live hours away from me, as will many of my friends. My boyfriend will be 3 hours away. It's a significant difference from "across town." And it's scary.

I won't be able to see my mom or Jayna or the boys every day. Jayna will only be 3 and a half when I leave; the boys not even 2 yet. I don't know how often I'll be able to make it home. I really don't know how I'm going to do it. I want to cry just thinking about it.

On the other hand...things are crazy and it'll be nice to be living on my own.

I just wish it all wasn't happening so fast. September is pretty much over already. Nine months to go, then we're gone. Done. Graduated.

...damn.

Growing up can be a bitch!

Lylah ..

I usually am the one who plans whatever we do...dinner is usually my idea, as was the first time we went to the movies, and most times that we go to each other's houses. The odd time you might suggest something, but it's not as common as you claim it to be. So when you suggested a picnic it sounded really nice...and being your suggestion I kind of thought you would plan it. But suddenly your suggestion became my job to figure out? I don't really see how that works, but okay.

A lot of the time, I don't feel like I'm too important to you. When I'm around, you don't usually talk to me, but occupy yourself with something else, like playing an instrument or talking to someone else on the computer or your phone. When we have music, I rarely see you because you're off doing other things, and that's our only class together. You say I mean a lot to you, but I'm not really seeing much of that. You want my phone to work so I can text you, but when I call, you talk for a few minutes and then say you're going to play with beads. Am I really that boring to talk to? I just don't understand. I always think of you and do my best to be with you and make you happy, and maybe it's just me, but I don't feel like I'm getting the same thing in return. I always listen to what you have to say and try to give my input, but I feel stupid when I want to tell you things because you seem pretty indifferent. If I want to talk about something positive, you say, "That's nice," or something along those lines and then the conversation is dropped. And if I'm having a bad day and I try to tell you about it, you usually respond by telling me that your day was much more awful.

I just don't understand. Sometimes it feels like you don't care as much as I'd like to believe you do. I'm sure you don't mean to come off that way, but...you kinda do. And I don't know what to do about it.

But, as usual, I probably won't even say anything to you because I'll feel stupid for being upset. Hopefully this week will get better and I'll be able to get over it. We'll see.

Lylah ..

So, Rachel and I are here in an Internet Cafe in Italy. We travelled ALL DAY yesterday, stopping in Paris and Milan, before finally making it to Venice. The plane was pretty good....I love flying :)

We saw Venice today! It was so gorgeous...we rode a gondola with Chelsea, Katrina and Alex. It was so beautiful. We're heading to Florence tomorrow, before Rome in a few days. Hopefully they're equally as (or more!) beautiful. It really is the trip of a lifetime :)

Though the city is beautiful, our hotel is...not so beautiful. It's cozy enough...but insanely small. There are 3 beds crammed in a TINY TINY room...and our bathroom kind of fails. Our ''do-it.yourself'' shower makes everything wet, and it took us 10 minutes to figure out how to flush the toilet. However, our balcony is very nice :) it has a great view of this little square in front of the hotel that is open only to pedestrians at night; there's music and people walking everywhere and it's so nice to just sit and listen and watch. We took a trip to the beach this afternoon and it was amazing. We were on an ITALIAN BEACH!! We collected seashells and swam in the warm water and took silly pictures. It's been so relaxing (until our phone cards wouldn't work) and everything is so beautiful. Anyone want to join us when we move out here? :D

Time's running out...we'll announce more later!

Ciao from Italy :) Love yous!!

Lylah & sacre coeur <3

Haha. I hate how quickly I can forgive you. How just hearing your voice again makes me smile, and how your sincere apologies and promises make all my anger and worries melt away. I hate it...and yet I love it. :)

I know you never mean to do the things that hurt me. I know how deeply you regret it when you realize that I have been hurt. I know that you mean it and I know that you love me. Every second that I'm with you just makes me so happy. Every day, I think of how grateful I am to have you. 

This summer is going to be amazing. Camping with friends, Italy with my girls, in SIX DAYS...it feels so weird and exciting all at once :) In less than a week...I'll be in EUROPE!! I cannot WAIT :)

Then I'll come home, have the summer with the rest of my girls, the boys, and of course, THE boy. Some time at his cottage, long walks and swimming...trips to the beach and all the good stuff :) And, as it turns out, I'm NOT leaving, so I have the entire summer (except a few weekends here and there) to spend with my bestie and all my other friends. I'll still get to see Nico, though not for the month and a half I expected...but I'll take what I can get :) I won't have to leave Jayna or Alex or Brodie or any of my other family members. I won't have school or a job to deal with or work around. I can take some time to just relax and do whatever the hell I want.

It will be awesome :) Summer, here we come.

Lylah ..

There is a difference between doubting and being afraid. I have never doubted what we have, or that it will last; but of course I have worried about it. I still do, sometimes. I'm not stupid; I know we're young. I know that it's hard to stay together because we still have so much more in life to go through. Going away to school, moving to different cities and sometimes even provinces or countries and starting new lives can have huge affects on relationships.

But if it's real, if it's meant to...it'll last. And I believe that we will.

But I look around at my family and at other high school relationships, and even adult relationships, and I get scared. My parents, 3 out of my 4 sets of grandparents, my mom and her current husband...I look at all of them and see the problems that arise. I've been surrounded by divorce and separation since I was a baby, and am still surrounded by it. I wouldn't say that I'm jaded; I still believe in love and the power it can hold. But I've seen enough of it to know that not all relationships are meant to last forever. Whether it be with boyfriends/girlfriends or just friends, not all relationships last forever.

I have a few that I believe could last forever. I have my best friend (or sister...it's all the same in our case) and I have my boyfriend and I have other close friends that I never want to lose. It takes work, but we can make it happen, I know it. We`re stuck with our family for our whole lives, and so it should be the same with those who are not related but still family all the same.

I'm slowly learning that you can't base your relationships off of past ones, whether they were your own or someone else's. When you're with someone, you can't think that it might not last because your parents have been separated since you were two or some other guy you loved didn't turn out to be the one, or one of your friendships didn't last like you thought it would. You just have to live in the moment and love with everything you have and not worry about if it'll work out or not, because all that matters is that you're happy now. The world fills you with warnings and cautions and tells you not to get too involved so that you don't get hurt, but if you don't love and live in the moment then you never really live at all. Sometimes you'll get into fights and you'll get angry and it'll make you wonder if you're meant to last, but as long as you're willing to forgive and still love, then you don't have to worry. Que sera sera...whatever will be will be.

There is no future. Don't worry about what is to come. It will get you nowhere, because you can't help what will happen. You can wish and hope and dream, but don't obsess over what has not yet happened.

There is no past. Don't worry about the past, either. You can't change it. And other people's pasts and decisions do not make you who you are; what you have is your own. It's your life to make, your love to give.

I live this moment as my last. Live for now, and only now. You don't know when everything you know will be over, so love without holding back, because that's all that matters in the end.

When you love, your love is not restricted to one person. You love your family, you love your friends, you love your significant other, you love people who aren't under any of these labels but can be just as important. Love should never be about choosing. You don't choose one over the other, you don't love one more. You love differently, but it's never about favouritism. You may spend more time with some than others, but it doesn't mean you love them more, just in a different way. You're alike in different ways and enjoy doing different things together than the rest of the world. I can't watch a chick flick and cry without reason with my boyfriend like I can with my bestie, and I can't be held by or go for romantic walks with or be loved in the same way by anyone but him. That's all obvious, but I'm just stating that love comes in different forms. Importance and status should not be an issue when it comes to love. Love just...is. It should never be a matter of choosing one over the other.

Even if things aren't meant to last, they can still be good while you have them. Relationships make us who we are, whether temporary or permanent. We love, we lose, we love again. But we always love.

A lot of people tell us to be careful because we're young. Don't get too attached or you'll get hurt, high school relationships never last. Love hurts, watch out. You shouldn't have to live or put up with certain things. But if you're too careful, you miss the whole point of loving, and it just causes more worry than it's worth. If you don't get attached to people, you may not get hurt, but you'll never get the full experience of love either. High school may be a rough time to fall in love, but if you want it badly enough, you can make it last. It takes work and it's not easy, but you can do it. Love is not pain, love is goodness. It's not always a walk in the park, but when you love someone, the feelings of happiness and love and everything good make up for the tears and the hard times.

Love without holding back. If it`s not meant to be, you will figure it out. But when it`s right, you just know. And you have to never let go or doubt, no matter what the rest of the world tells you, because you know.

Remember that. And always remember to love.

Lylah ..

Gemini: A controversy will be settled once and for all today. No more of that! .

Haha wow...it actually came true, kind of :)

I love you...I really hope we can fix this. I can't lose you. When you thought I was leaving you, I almost cried because I couldn't imagine the pain that would have caused you. I definitely should not have worded it that way...I just meant that I want us to fix it so that we're both happy. Not that we'd be better off without each other. I don't believe that could be true. I can't imagine waking up and not belonging to you...it just seems so impossible.

I do hate that lately, I've been angry at you so much. Not so much angry, even. Hurt. I know you never mean it, but yes, some things you do hurt me. I don't like feeling like the third wheel when I'm your girlfriend. I don't like that you sometimes seem reluctant to do things with me, like that trip to Toronto or the Art's Banquet. You have reasons when you skip things; I understand that you didn't want to miss school. But I feel like you should want to be with me, I guess, because I always want to be with you no matter what.

I know you love me. I never doubt that. And that's why I believe that whatever is going on right now can be fixed. We'll work through it, and hopefully I'll get upset less often. Because I love you and I really hate the stupid thoughts that come into my head that wonder if I'll have to put up with this forever. I know I shouldn't think them because they're wrong, but I do. I don't ever want to leave you and I don't ever want to have any doubts about us.

I know we can work it out :) I love you. I'm sorry for always being mad and for scaring you. Stay with me, always?

Lylah ..

Well. To be honest, I'm feeling pretty much the same as everyone else. I feel like I never see my friends anymore, and it sucks. I see people in the hall and think, "Holy crap, I have not seen them in forever...this is not right." It doesn't help that I'm insanely busy. And yes, sorry that sometimes I hang out with my boyfriend because we're both so busy and hardly see each other outside of school. I don't push anyone aside for him. It's not MY fault that people stopped coming to lunch with us, and everyone goes somewhere different. And I don't blow anyone off to make plans with him. If I've made plans with him FIRST, I'm not going to cancel them for other people...but if other people make plans with me first, I also won't blow them off for him. I never have, and don't plan to. And you know, other people are with their significant others all the time. No one ever bitched at them for spending lunch times and after school time with them. Me not having time to hang out with people has nothing to do with him. It has to do with more hours at work and piano and theory and school and other shit like that. I'm not available all the time, but that's not his fault. I'm not pushing anyone aside.

And what happened with us...I don't know if it CAN be fixed. I wanted it to be, but I'm not so sure that she did, and I'm not going to force her into anything. It's not like we hate each other. We smile when we see each other and talk briefly on the rare occasions that we get to. We are not hostile, and if anyone made plans for us to hang out together, we would. At least I would, I guess I can't really speak for her. And everyone says they miss the old days. Well, don't you think I do, too? I think about them all the time. Going out together every Friday, eating lunch at the hospital, sleepovers...I miss being one of her best friends and going to the cottage with her and to her house with her family, who I also miss. I miss all of it. I lost a lot, but I don't think I'm going to get much of it back. I know you're all frustrated, but there's not really anything you can do, I'm sorry. Things have changed. As much as it sucks, it's never going to be like it used to. And losing what I lost hurt me more than I think anyone realizes. I wanted to fix it, but I don't think she did. So I don't know what to do.

I do want to hang out more, though. But when I said we should do something this Friday, I kind of meant us...to make up for last week, since I already had plans when you asked me and I had to work the next day. I know that if I go and hang out with you and them, I'll be left out, because I don't know any of them and I don't want to drink. I have an exam the next day that I should stay home and study for, but I felt bad for turning you down last week. I'm going because I know that you want to go, and we never get to do anything together but I don't want to ruin your plans. I don't mind that you hang out with them...they're just not exactly my crowd. I have nothing against them, don't get me wrong. It's just not my kind of atmosphere and I don't fit in there. 

But you're my best friend and we don't have much time left before the summer, so I'll take whatever I can get. I just thought you should know, so that next time I say I don't want to drink there, you don't get mad.

And to the rest of you...I really miss you. Next time I'm free (which will hopefully be kind of soon) I'm going to make plans for us all to hang out and you had BETTER BE ABLE TO MAKE IT! :D haha, or at least try :) I miss you guys. I have him, but I need you all too...it's getting kind of lonely.

I miss my girls <3

Lylah ..

P.S. Don't EVER try to accuse me of not wanting to stick together. That could not be any farther from the truth, and everyone should damn well know it. I'm sick of taking the blame for something that I wanted so badly to fix but was unable to. I am so tired of taking the blame for our group falling apart. I'm not saying I didn't have anything to do with it, but God. No one else makes plans anymore, it's not just me. And if you ever dare to accuse me of not caring about what I lost, something is wrong.

And I'm also sorry that none of US deserved the title of "best friend" even though I was always there for you when you needed me, and I never let a boy come between us like I promised I wouldn't. Can't exactly say the same for you, now can I? I've been willing to get over all of this, but people need to watch what they say, because it pretty much fucking kills and no one seems to realize it.

Sometimes it feels good to cry.

When everything just slowly builds up, and you ignore it until you feel this weight inside you, burdening you, and then finally someone yells at you and you just crack...it feels good to let it all out.

Sometimes it gives you the strength to say what's really on your mind. It makes you realize how crappy you've actually been feeling, and you realize you need to explain yourself and why exactly you're so upset so that you never feel that way again.

You feel so devestated when you cry. But it can be good. It certainly puts things into perspective :)

Hopefully everything can only go up from here. It's just been a shitty day. Thank god it's over!

Just because I get upset with you...it doesn't mean I don't still love you. Because I do. With all my heart :) Never forget it, my dear. <3

Lylah ..

Okay, so. There seems to be some confusion about what happened after the party. We did NOT ditch it or go off and have another party. Hell people, we're not THAT fucking heartless. I'd never do that to my Feather, or any of my friends.

What happened, then?

1) I was freaking exhausted. I'd gone to work at 8:00 that morning and went to the party right after, and I'd slept poorly all week because of the babies.
2) Chelsea had been planning to spend that night at my house for a couple of weeks.
3) My parents were out of town, and Ben was my ride home.
4) Chelsea was on Josh's end of town, and we decided we could meet at his house, then Ben's mom could pick us up from there and drive us home.

So when Josh and Ryan decided to go, we went with them. We didn't go and hang out or have a party. We met there. We were there for maybe 10-20 minutes until Ben's mom came to get us and drove us to my house.

That is what happened. I did not ditch anyone. I left so I could meet Chelsea, since we'd been planning this before we knew about the party, and she was near his house so we just met up there. Stop jumping to conclusions. It's getting really fucking old.

Oh, and...I definitely thought I made this clear? I did not date him while she was still with him. That doesn't even make sense, I don't know how the hell anyone could think that. He did not even tell me he LIKED me until mid-January. January 12th, to be exact. I remember because it was the night before the twins were born. And dating? We didn't start until the 22nd. How could you think we would do that? I don't even  get that because you must think that I knew about you and him and then dated him, and I would NEVER do that to you. I didn't even know you were together, so how does that work? And if you think that he dated us both without us knowing? Yeah fucking right. If that were the case, I would not have continued being with him after I found out. Like...come on. I don't know where you would even get that idea. I thought I made that clear before, but since I obviously didn't, I hope I have now. That's not how it happened.

And...it feels really amazing to know that I can leave a party where most of my friends are, and know that some of them will go on talking about me or my boyfriend or whatever once we're gone. Ever since we've been together, a lot of shit has gone his way, and I'm sick of it, because it's affecting MY relationships with MY friends and I sure as hell know that it hurts him, which hurts me. I can see how much it hurts him that he keeps losing so many people over these petty little things, and how everyone talks about and gets mad at only him. I know a lot of shit happened, but this is ridiculous. I didn't think I had to risk my friends talking about him or I behind our backs as soon as we left a party. Thanks a fucking lot, whoever was doing it. Great to know I can trust you.

I thought all this was behind us? Guess I thought wrong. Whatever. You're all entitled to your own opinion. I know where my loyalties lie, so believe what you will, think what you will, say what you will. All I can say is that it is a disappointment to know that this is how we get treated.

Sorry, Heather. I really am. I know you didn‘t have anything to do with this, and I definitely didn‘t plan on so much drama coming from all this. I‘m sorry if my leaving early made you feel bad, I swear it was nothing against you. And don‘t let me forget I still owe you a present!

Lylah ..

I. Need. To. Get. Out. Of. This. House.

Such a long freaking day...funerals are so damn depressing. He was my great-grandfather, and although I saw a lot of him when I was little, I hardly knew him anymore. But being there, seeing all the people he was close to hurting...my great-grandmother, and his niece...I couldn't help crying. And I didn't have a damn Kleenex! Oh well. We had to keep moving from place to place, and everything was just so exhausting. Then I can't handle orchestra and come home to arguing siblings, a screaming toddler and crying babies. My stepfather goes off to play volleyball while I have homework to finish and my eyes are stinging from crying and being so tired. But whatever. I just wish this noise would quit and stop aggravating my pounding headache.

And you...I know you feel bad for me and that you weren't there for me, but when you walked away from me with your friends with hardly a goodbye...that certainly didn't help this already difficult day. You looked concerned, and I know you love me, but you just walked away. You didn't come back to hug me or anything...you glanced back once you realized I'd stopped and gave a brief wave, and kept walking. You left me alone while I was hurting. I know you didn't mean it, and that you never would want to hurt me. But you did. But I hate telling you that because I always feel so guilty for telling you why I'm upset or angry. I hate bringing you down with me, especially because I know you never mean it.

I just hated seeing you walk away when I needed you.

I'm so tired. I just want to get away for a while; run away with someone I care about and never have to worry about anything ever again. I want to spend everyday being held by the one I love while he makes me feel like everything is okay.

Haha, if only. But that's not how life works; no matter how rough life gets, we just have to stick it out. Running away doesn't help anything.

But at least we have those that we love and who love us to help us through. <3

Lylah ..

It's been almost two months.

We all screwed up. The blame should not all be put on one person. He didn't handle it in the best way, but he was just going off his feelings. Even if we hadn't dated right away, he still would have felt the same. It wouldn't have made a difference.

Yes, I'm happy to have him. Very happy. But that doesn't make me feel superior or like I won some kind of sick contest. That's never how I wanted it to be. I was never out to get anyone or trying to win. I liked him for an insanely long time, so when he finally made a move, of course I wasn't going to turn him down.

We're together. I'm not sure many people are happy for us; it doesn't really seem like it. But we are, and we're happy. The only thing that would be better would be to have my friends backing me up, and some of them are.

But you...I don't expect your support. I know you are hurting, and I'm sorry. But nothing is going to change what happened, and we were best friends once. We were best friends for a long time. We promised each other we would NEVER allow our friendship to fall apart over a boy. And I stuck to that promise, many times over. I kind of hoped you'd do the same, but as soon as I got the guy, I also got the cold shoulder. Don't you think I understand how you feel? You've made me feel this way too. Did you ever consider how much I regret that I put you through that? It's not like I wanted to. It's not like I was trying to get revenge. That was never what this was about. 

I don't want to tell you how to feel. We all deal with these things in different ways, and I guess this is just you're way of doing it.

All I'm asking is that, if our friendship meant anything to you, tell me. Because if I'm agonizing over this everyday, and trying to fix it and make it better, for nothing, at least let me now so I can stop. The last thing I want to do is lose you, but if you're willing to give us up, then whatever. I can't force you to do anything. I'm just asking you to tell me if the effort I'm putting into saving us is worth it, because you don't seem to want to try at all. 

2 months, and we're still trying to point fingers and figure out whose fault it was and make some people feel better by blaming it all on one person. It wasn't all her fault, or his fault, or my fault. It was all of ours. What happened is done. Over. We're together, and we just want to be so in peace. Everyone seems to be hating him, and though I'm not defending what he did, I'm just asking you to not. No one understands the whole story, no one completely understands what happened, so please don't hate anyone if you don't understand them.

I just want to know if this is all worth it. Because I am trying. And I want to know if I'm going to get anywhere.

Because we had something really great, and I'd hate to lose that. But if you're going to allow all this to happen over a guy, though you said you never would, then fine. I can't control what you want or do.

But just for the record...ditching your best friend isn't going to make you feel any better. At least, I wouldn't think it would.

Your choice. But you're still the best more. One of the best friends I've ever had. I'll leave you with that.

Lylah .. 

FUCK HAIR DYE.

Can't my hair ever cooperate with me? EVER?? Ugggggggggggh.

I just have to say...I'm really tired of STILL feeling so so guilty and helpless over something that happened like 2 months ago. I know we're all thinking it and I've said it a million times, but this is getting pretty old. Nothing will change what has happened, so I'd like to not still feel super bad about all this after so long. I know we all made mistakes, but I have forgiven everything. I guess it's easier for me, but still. I don't want to lose out on a friendship anymore than anyone else.
 
No, I'm not angry at anyone, and no, I don't hate any of you. I'm just in a bad mood and all this crap coming up again just is not helping :)

Fuck drama, too. I'm sick of it.

...I need sleep. Night, all.

Lylah ..

Jayna is going to be 2 soon...in one week, to be exact. I can't believe it. My baby...she's growing so fast, it's not fair! She's finally learned how to say my name, and now it's all I hear: Jossy, Jossy, Jossy! She's so cute :) I won't even be there for her birthday...but we are celebrating it on Friday, so I'll at least be there for that :)

But I do finally get to see my Nico! My other baby...the one that I miss every day. I'm so glad that I'll have this entire summer with him...I definitely don't see him nearly enough, so I will cherish the time I do get with him.

Work lots this march break...blah. But hey, it's money, right? And I definitely need it...

This house stresses me out. I love the people in it, but there are just too many of us. We can't handle each other. I take any excuse I can get to not be here. I got 3 fucking hours of sleep last night because my parents were fighting, plus the clocks went ahead. Stupid daylight saving time. I'm debating whether I should stay an extra year or not...part of me wants to because I need the money and I don't feel like I'll be ready to leave home yet, but another part of me is screaming at me to get out of here as soon as possible. I hate not being able to sit down for 5 minutes without someone needing something. And once my mom goes back to work...oh boy.

But besides all that...life is pretty great :) Two of my siblings have become sliiiightly less annoying lately, the other four bring me more joy than I can express, and I have wonderful friends who all love me and who I love in return! And of course, there is my boy...nothing makes me happier than being with him. Just knowing that I have him is enough to make me forget all of my troubles for a while. He and all of my friends make every day worth living, no matter how crazy times may get :)

Thaaanks guys. I couldn't do this without you all <3

Lylah ..

Hahhahaha. I quit band AND have a spare and still manage to want to tear my hair out every night.

...fuck English. The class isn't so bad, but the homework is preeetty gay, I must admit. Urg.

I'm so tired, and just want to sleep...I'm falling behind in French--yeah, FRENCH--because I'm always finishing my English homework in that class. Haha it's kind of pathetic.

Thank GOSH I dropped chem, I would be wanting to kill myself I think, if I still had to deal with that shiiiit.

...I hate school. I hate being so busy. Blah. Oh well. I guess I'll deal :)

Theory exam in May...yikes.

I just need room to BREATHE. I need a break. Luckily, we get an entire week off soon :) I think it will pretty much save my life!

Sorry, just ranting, and being random. Still pissed at the English homework I have left and will likely not finish :)

Die school.

Lylah ..

Today was so amazing :) Preceded also by a perfectly wonderful night. Bandathon was so much fun, I loved being able to make music all night with my friends and then just party and relax :) It was awesome.

Then today...it had it's shares of laughs and tears and fears...mostly laughs! haha a lot of freaking laughs, my face still hurts. We set out, singing a bit on the way there, laughing and joking, crossed the border and made it to our destination. We took pictures and told stories (by the way, Sara's mom is a good driver!!) and had a great trip up. We made it to Detroit, made fun of Heather for having no socks in the snow, then went to eat at an excellent restaurant.

Finally, we were in the theatre to see RENT!! We bought our merchandise (t-shirts, piano books, hats, programs, mugs <--LOL) then went to find our seats. We could see the set, and were so excited for the show to start. Unfortunately, Adam Pascal did not perform...but we still got to see ANTHONY RAPP! <3 It was exciting :)

The musical was so amazing; different from the movie, but still perfect. The message of the play is so wonderful; a message of living in love instead of fear, and it hit me more strongly than it ever had before. The music was excellent, and the actors all did an AMAZING job. It was just...one of the best things I've ever had the privelege of witnessing.

The ride home was...rather interesting. We may possibly have almost died...that damn Yeti. Or was it the Loch Ness Monster? But we made it, luckily for Heather, as she didn't have to get out of the car with her lack of socks, and her mug also remained intact. After we got back on the road, a long silence and deep breaths to calm ourselves followed, but the mood soon lightened again. We were singing and joking around, taking pictures and videos and just being ridiculous (let's turn God on!). We made it home safely (thank goodness) and had dinner, during which we laughed...a LOT. Mostly at Sara's mom's expense, but she took it well!

It was just...a great day :) certainly one to look back on and remember with a huge smile on my face for the rest of my days!

Haha I love you guys <3

Lylah ..

Despite that yesterday was an insanely crazy day, I was in a great mood. Today is not crazy; quite the opposite. Relaxing. And yet...I was a lot happier yesterday. I think being at home is more stressful than going nonstop from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. Or maybe my friends just make everything better :)

I love being with people. Sometimes it's good to be alone, but I'd much prefer to be out with a group of my friends, or with my family (on a good day). I love to touch people...playing with their hair, hugging them, linking arms with them, or just going up to them and placing my hand on them. I don't know what it is; I just love to know that there are people out there who love me no matter what, and that I love in return.

I love being held, especially by him. Holding his hand, sitting with him, kissing him...it always is enough to make my day, even if things are crazy and I feel like I want to just give up under all the stress. Having him with me always just makes all the bad stuff seem less important, makes all the stress seemingly evaporate. I love that he loves me enough to make it known to everyone, and that he's never ashamed to hold my hand or say he loves me in front of other people. Being with him...just makes me happy, all the time.

And then, my friends. You're all so amazing, and mean the world to me. Being with you guys is what makes every day worth living, and I mean it. I know that you're always there to support me and to listen to whatever I have to talk about, and I appreciate that so much.

This summer...I will miss you all so much. I know that it will be so amazing, and I'll have a great time, but I will miss you all everyday <3

I just wanted to let everyone know that I love them :) and appreciate you all for being there for me when I needed you most.

<3

Lylah ..

I agree with Julia. I really think it's time that we worked this out, because to be honest...I'm getting sick of it.

I hate that every time I try to talk to her, she refuses to look at me and NEVER smiles at me, and gives me the shortest answer possible and in the coolest tone. I honestly try, every day, to be nice to her and try to make things better, but she will not allow it.

And you know what? I get that she's upset. But when I was in the EXACT SAME type of situation with her, I did not treat her like this. I did not risk FIVE YEARS of BEST friendship over a BOY, despite that her boyfriend was a JERK to me while they were going out. She hurt me, and he hurt me, but guess what? I GOT OVER IT because I was not willing to lose her over it. Despite that it killed me to see them together, I stuck it out because I promised myself I would not let myself lose her; she was far too important to me.

And now that I'm the one with the boyfriend, I get ignored, totally and completely. Despite my best attempts to fix things and be nice and friendly and hope for forgiveness. Even after I found out that SHE "dated" the boy that I had liked for a year BEHIND MY BACK for two months, I did not once get angry. Yes, I was hurt, but never angry. I was understanding and accepting and I gave her a hug and told her that everything was okay with us because it was. I was hurting, but I didn't care. I was not going to lose her over a boy. I was willing to forgive them both, and never once hated her for it.

So now, here we are. The tables finally turned, and yes, I feel bad for hurting her, but what else am I supposed to do? People might think this is all my fault for dating the guy...but a) I was the first to like him anyway, and b) even if we were to not date for her sake, our feelings for each other would not change, and so there would just be no point. She would still be hurt either way, so what the hell am I to do?  

So I'm no longer going to apologize for the way things turned out, because I'm not sorry at all. Sorry that she got hurt, yes. Very sorry. If I could change that aspect of it at all, I would in a heartbeat. But it happened. Just like it has happened to me, through her. More than once.

However, I was not willing to sacrifice a friendship over a boy. She seems readily willing to do so.

I am sick of the cold stares and the short responses and the ignorance. I am sick of feeling like I want to cry every time my attempt to be nice to her is shot down, or when she talks to everyone in the room except for me. When she announced that she would not be staying with us in New York, I actually thought I would cry, because I knew it was my fault. And everyone keeps telling me that she doesn't hate me.

Well, I don't know about hate, but she certainly is not fond of me. I'm not even sure whether she considers me her friend anymore.

So, thank you very much for shooting down five years of friendship over this. Thanks a bunch for adding to the million other stresses I'm trying to deal with. Thanks for killing me inside every time I see you because I know that you practically loathe me.

It's great to know that after all the times I stuck by you, this is how you treat me. Thanks a fucking million.

Lylah ..

Writer's Block: earliest childhood memory?

Living in London with my mom. I was 2. I can vaguely remember the apartment, and sitting on the couch in the living room. I remember the smell of cleaning products; in this memory, my aunt is coming to visit the following day, so my mom is cleaning. It's late, dark outside, and I'm tired. I can remember watching music videos on T.V., and seeing her scrubbing something from the corner of my eye. The video I remember most vividly is Any Man of Mine by Shania Twain. My mom was obsessed with country, it's what I grew up with; specifically, Shania and Faith Hill :) They were her favourite, and their songs always bring me back.

I can remember the following night as well....I don't seem to have much recollection of the daytime, but oh well. The next night, my aunt was there. I can remember them, my mom and her sister, teaching me, little 2 year old Joslyn, to count to 100.

Joslyn - "...27, 28, 29..."

Aunt Cindy - "And after the 20s comes thirty!"

Joslyn - "30, 31, 32..." etc. All the way to 100. I remember enjoying this. Amazing what amuses the minds of children...

Why this memory is so vivid...I have NO idea. But every time I hear Shania Twain, especially that one song, or even Faith Hill, I think of those couple of days, so long ago. 14 years ago. Wow.

Back in the good old days...when everything seemed so simple.

Lylah ..